Thursday, August 16, 2012

Miss Overmyer, in the Computer Room, With the Keyboard

I am a murderess—a rather sly one, I might add. Yes, I am willing to put my confession down on paper and on record: I, Elizabeth Ann Overmyer, am a cold-blooded killer.

My computer is full of stories that I strangled and squeezed until the lifeblood came rushing out of every margin. What should I call this vast cemetery, this collection of decaying ideas? “The Living Unread”? Cute, but too interesting. This is not a horror story. A horror story sparks a wild and fiery pain within the breast. All my stories are good for is sparking a wild and fiery…fire within the fireplace. Snap, crackle, pop.

I challenge Holmes to solve any of the murders surrounding my stories. Shy, unassuming me, a professional hit-and-type man. How have I gotten away with so much without suspicion? Let me share my most secret ways with you, though you may already be an experienced story-killer yourself:

1.      Act shocked.

That will keep the suspicion away from yourself: “Really, sir, I have no idea how this story died! I’m just as surprised as anyone.” (Act shocked? Now be honest, aren’t you really?)

2.      Discreetly white-out affairs.

If you’ve been fooling around with another story, take a break before sentencing.

3.      Consistency is very important: make sure you keep repeating the same story.

Say, wasn’t that what got us in trouble in the first place?

Let me see if I might sum up the life of my latest “dearly deleted”; let us call him “Blaine”:

“Dearest Blaine. His name was erased from the great book of life far too early. His memory lingers on—on the back of my ink-stained hand. Blaine was a soft-spoken soul, so soft-spoken that one would have never known that he existed. In fact, where is everybody? Where? This is not right; this is not proper, not at all! What on earth?”

Obituaries should have been written—and with them I could fill almost an entire column. Let me think of how one might have read:

“No Vel VII fell victim to the ink. His servant found him alone on his desktop. Ms. Author tried everything in her power to revive him; but, seeing the plot was taking a bad turn, she phoned a priest, who came in and administered the last writes. The editors pronounced him read on arrival.”

Alas, my poor victims. All I can offer them is a proper resting-place…and more lifeless stories to keep them company.

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The above was orignally posted at The Coffee Press Journal, now defunct. All rights reserved by moi.

Ten people are being or have been interviewed for my Author Interview series. What what! Some non-YA and MG slipped in there--oopsie!--but it's okay. The series begins September 7, 2012. If you're interested in being interviewed and have a published or soon-to-be-published YA or MG book, please email me: bethovermyer@gmail.com

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