Dear Beta:

Unfortunately, you are not how I thought you would be. You're much wordier than I had imagined possible, and how you managed to find your way to a keyboard in the first place is beyond me.

I must admit, I was expecting a quiet companion for my writing. I mean, all the other writers were getting betas. Some agents even said they expected writers to have a beta or two. Boy, do I regret the first time I met you.

Here's what a beta should be:

-Quiet
-Easily pleased
-A good fighter
-An excellent swimmer
-A funny face-maker

You, my friend, are none of these things. If I had to do it over, I would go for a goldfish or a shark or something really, really cool.

Thanks for nothing,

Al G. Pond