Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Takin' It Easy

Hello, gang!

Just a note to say I haven't evaporated into thin air, been abducted... or joined the circus, for that matter...

I am currently on a lovely desert island with no outside connections besides the coconut and bamboo computer a scholarly friend made for me. I need to keep this brief, because the power could go at any time. Or, I should say, that skinny guy's legs could go at any time. He's been pedaling like mad for the last twenty minutes!

Here in my tropical paradise, I've seen all kinds of exotic adverbs and adjectives. Rest assured, I will leave them in their native habitat and not try to smuggle any home in my extensive luggage.

You would not believe the size of those nasty typos. I keep swatting them away, but they're out for blood.

Blank pages abound in silent flocks, and words float around the lagoon like dead ducks. Every time I come near them, though, they take off at top speed, silly dears.

That's how I'm doing. Well, I must go. There are several others vying for this contraption.

Until then,


Saturday, March 26, 2011

When was the Last Time You...

Gave up on writing?

Un-gave up on writing?

Read a book?

Re-read a book?

Nurtured your inner child?

Saw a play?

Googled your full name?

Ate chicken?

Threw a pillow at someone?

Spoke in Pig Latin?

Played your armpit in a band?

Made up languages from what you THINK Enya is singing?

Mooned someone you thought was a total stranger in the car next to you and it turned out to be your boss?

Ate a fire ant?

Gave yourself a pickle and peanut butter facial?

Please tell me... especially if you did the last few. I am extremely interested.

Monday, March 21, 2011


You know you sent your first novel query when...

10. Your email has been checked twenty times in the last two minutes
9. Throwing up does not sound like that bad of an idea
8. You could either run circles around the house or *see above*
7. Query Tracker has been added to your Favorites
6. You just checked your email again before reading number seven
5. You keep mistaking heart palpatations for your phone vibrating in your shirt pocket
4. You're already revising your query letter in your head
3. You can't tell if you're tired or about to faint
2. Even your mailman has heard the news
1. Oh, go ahead, stop reading and go check that stupid email, for all I care

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Why Shakespeare Couldn't Email

Once while Shakespeare was at the computer--yes, he had a computer--he had a case of writer's block. Wasting time, he took apart his keyboard and put it back together. What he didn't realize was that he had switched the A and E keys. This is the madness that ensued:

To ba or not to ba: Thet is tha quastion.
Whathar 'tis noblar in tha mind to suffar
Tha slings and errows of outregaous fortuna...

Then he spied the word "fortuna" and nearly had a stroka... er, stroke. Something wasn't right. Perhaps if he moved a few keys around...

Ir ti take arms against a sea if tribles...

"Tribles?" he said. "What in the name of Lady Macbeth's bloody hands is a 'Trible'?" One "B" and a few episodes of Star Trek later, old Willy switched all the keys back to their correct places. Or, so he thought.

And by @$$@#ng *nd th*m? T@ d#*: t@ sl**p;
N@ m@r*; and by a sl**p t@ s*y w* *nd

He swore and switched back to parchment and quill, for 'tis nobler in a bind to suffer not the keys and arrows of outrageous technology.

The End.

Writer's Block, A Poem

....................................................................... ........................... ........ ....................... .. ..........................
................................ ............... ............ . . . . . . . . . .




The End

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Minister's Cat

How to play: The first person says "O, the minster's cat is an _____ cat." The blank space is filled in with an adjective beginning with the letter "A." The next player says, "The minister's cat is a _____ cat." The blank here is filled in with an adjective beginning with "B." And so forth and so on.

This is more fun in person, so I'm adding a twist:

If, in the next twenty-four hours, all twenty-six letters are used, I will sing one page of the last two posters' manuscripts (or two poems) and post the composition on YouTube, link provided here. The other great bit? I will sing in whatever style(s) the winners tell me to.

One last rule: No posting twice in a row and no more than one adjective per post! Though, you may post as many times as you like.

I'll begin:

O, the minister's cat is an aggravating cat.



Black as...
the back of my ink-stained hand.

Bold as...
telling a story in present tense.

Brave as a...
querier, making their first query.

Busy as a...
procrastinator trying to meet a deadline.

Clean as a...
manuscript, twenty drafts later.

Dry as a...
repair manual.

Large as...
a 72-pt font
Do you want to play the Writer's version of Simile? Here are some starters. Have a go!

Dead as a...

Tight as a...

Free as a...

Gentle as a...

YOUR simile HERE

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Bad Ideas

- Saving your Word documents generically on a shared computer.
Someone might just think of the same file name and replace your work with theirs.

- Hitting "Auto-Summarize," panicking, hitting "save," and closing the file.

- Eating or drinking over your keyboard.

- Using liquid hand sanitizer over your keyboard.

- Dusting your computer... five years later.

- Clicking on that blinking ad.

- Sticking a mini CD-rom into the floppy drive (who uses those anymore, anyway?)

- Hitting keys that you're unfamiliar with, by accident or design

- Blogging after three in the morning.

These "Bad Ideas" might seem obvious no-no's to you, and you might think them unfunny... They aren't funny. I've done them all! :-O

What are some of your bad ideas?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

What Books Say About You

If you read Dan Brown, JK Rowling, Jim Butcher or Stephanie Meyer, you are evil. Period.

If you read Jane Austen, you are as dry as toast.

If your favorite novelist is George Orwell, you suffer from acute paranoia. Please seek professional help immediately.

If you like Tolkien, you are a long-winded... windbag.

If you enjoy Agatha Christie, you drink lots of tea, love your mustaches. Oh, and you killed the butler.

If you cozy up with Oscar Wilde... I won't judge.

If you're a fan of Gaston Leroux, you can speak French and enjoy haunting operas... and pubs. Tsk-tsk.

If you're into Suzanne Collins, you are a realist.

If you crave Shakespeare, you're either very smart or very dumb.

If you read the funny pages, you know that I'm totally being sarcastic.

If you read the news, you know I am totally lying when I say I'm being sarcastic and that I have a hidden agenda in here... somewhere. Oh, and I can't speell worht a dern.

What's wrong with YOU--I mean, what do YOU enjoy reading?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

What's on the Nightstand...

Besides a wedding invitation, an empty CD case, some papers, a pocketwatch, a battery pack, and... you get the picture...

What's on my READING nightstand:

- i, Robot
- The Ruins of Gorlan
- Catching Fire
- Mockingjay
- The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (and other stories)
- A Little Princess (still)

and many others.

What are you reading?

Friday, March 4, 2011

Writer Pick-up Lines

If you were a story, I'd read you.

Is it just you, or is there a plot in here?

You are the full-stop to my run-on sentence.

You complement me.

In a world of adjectives, you are a noun.

I wish you were a redundant sentence, so I could read you twice.

What's YOUR favorite pick-up line, writerly or otherwise?

BTW - wordfoolery, you need to claim your prize by April 1, 2011! Send your name and FULL address to bethovermyer[at]gmail[dot]com!