Friday, July 16, 2010

When Query Letters Attack! (Take One)

Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms./It Agentious 1:

My novel "Da Bomb" is complete at 700,000 characters and is eagerly, anxiously, desirously awaiting your approval and pats on the head, cookies, sprinkles and cherries, etc.

"Bomb" is It's a Wonderful Life meets Lethal Weapon meets Napolean Dynomite meets The Muppets Take Manhattan meets Home Alone. When a man named George Bailey witnesses his wife's murder, he decides to move to France with his beloved Tater Tot (TM.) There he must make it in show business or be forced to live alone—at home—for the rest of his life... with BURGLARS!!

Bio: I am teh bestest author EVA!

The Bestest Author EVA!

P.S. Enclosed is a $100 bill and coupons to Olive Garden.
P.M.S. The enclosed $100 and Olive Garden coupons are for when we get together to discuss my book!
P.P.P.S. I like Olive Garden. I hope you do!!!!1
P.P.P.P.S. I also like crisp $100 bills and hope you do as well!!!1!!


  1. Dear Best Author Eva!
    After some serious consideration (and alcohol) we have decided that Da Bomb is not suitable for agency. We don't care for making money hand over fist.
    Please find enclosed the crisp $1 bill, the coupons for Olive Garden (expired), and a page from our favorite dictionary with the spelling of the word "the".

    That Agency That Rejects Everybody

  2. Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms./It Agentious 1:

    Thank you for submitting your rejection. Unfortunately, I am unable to accept it at this time.

    Best of luck getting rid of me!


    Teh Bestest Author EVA!

    P.S. Attached is my 160,000-word novel "Teh Awesum!"